The Crying Game

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Added: Thu Dec 13th 11:33am

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Without giving out too many details, I've been doing some long overdue, work, on myself. I have been a pretty unemotional person, for way too long. Survival technique. I am no longer in need of this kind of technique. I need to revamp my way of thinking, in order to live, as opposed to survive. I have learned some valuable lessons, things I never realized, or just wouldn't allow myself to see. I spent several years, married to, and living with, a man who is an addict. My family wondered what was wrong with me. "Why do you stay in this relationship, that is so obviously unhealthy?", was a common question. I was sure I could, somehow, make it all work out. I was so certain, that if I loved him enough, refused to judge him, and be there, whenever he needed me, he would see that his lifestyle needed to change. After all, he had a wonderful, loving, wife, as well as friends and family, who loved him, and were willing to cheer him into sobriety. Of course, this never happened. Our relationship, crashed and burned, like the Hindenburg. I've been learning that, there was nothing I could ever have done, to have changed the outcome. I could not save another human being, on a path of self destruction, no matter how much I loved them. Luckily for me, I got a helping hand, and was spared being part of the carnage. But, I didn't get out, without some emotional scars. I know so many people who are in similar situations, and I truly hope they find someone, who will reach out, and offer them the chance, to find the road to a happy life, as I did. Today, I am very raw, open, and sad. I realize, someone I loved, and still have some feelings for, is killing themself. There is nothing I can do about it. I can only heal my own wounds, and find a reality, that has happiness, rather than misery, as its foundation. Today, so much of the pain, I swallowed over the years, has chosen to surface. I found myself crying during an episode of "Charmed." I didn't try to hide it, which I would have, at one time. I cried openly, like a child. I can feel that I am not done crying today. Someone I thought would be with me, at the end of my life, will more than likely, be gone, long before me. I am allowing myself to feel this sadness, so I can get it out, and go on with my life. Just one more step towards that new reality. Tomorrow is a new day, so, with any luck, I'll be smiling again.